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Lighting: Troubleshooting Via Text? LOL

I'm in a small nightclub working with one of the biggest rock bands of the 20th century. I've lost control of all lighting fixtures hanging over the stage. The only things that are responding are the fixtures on the deck and the audience package. All communications are down. We have no Clear-Com. We have no walkies. You can't talk on your cell phone because the music and audience are so loud that it's just a garbled mess. The only thing I can rely on is the technology of text messaging, the

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