And Off We Go

Melzig was the technical director for the Commonwealth Games 2010 Opening and Closing Ceremonies in India.

Growing up in southern Sweden, I, like most people, dreamed about a job that would allow me to travel a lot. I guess that wish came true.

Just as many of you reading this, I spend a lot of time on the road. Thank God, it’s not a permanent run; it goes in cycles where I get to spend quality time at home every now and then. I’m full of admiration for all of you guys who travel constantly. I’m too old for that shit!

And even if I travel a lot, I at least tend to spend a lot of time in one place, as opposed to changing location every day, like a lot of you do.

I’m currently working full time in Baku, Azerbaijan, where I’m the senior technical manager for the closing ceremony of the 2015 European Games. I’ve already done two months and have four more to go. Lovely city! You should go if you get a chance. The kebabs down here are awesome, but travel is really awkward sometimes, and I quite often wonder what the hell people were smoking when they designed stuff at airports and on airplanes.

For example, why do brand new planes still come with ashtrays in the restrooms? Are we about to start smoking on flights again soon, or did someone forget to change the scope of work they wrote back in 1960? I need to know!

Speaking of smoking, when you go through the quite interesting security check at the airport in New Delhi, the officials will take your lighter. Once inside, you will find a smoking lounge next to the food court, but how the f@ck are you supposed to light your fag?

And don’t get me started about the smoking area at the international terminal in Washington. The terminal itself is new, shiny, and nice, but the smoking area is from 1972.

So, I guess you shouldn’t smoke.

But wait! There is hope! If you’ve ever been in Johannesburg, South Africa, you know what I’m talking about. The smoking area there is a sports bar, with alcohol, pool tables, large screen monitors showing sports, and rock music blasting out in the PA system. Right on!

Add a couple of strippers, and I would never leave!

But I should stop smoking. I really should.

Another thing that bugs me is airport toilets. I think it’s fair to assume that most people at an airport have a carry on, right? So, why the hell do 99% of all toilets at airports have no room for the carry on? Why do you have to wrestle with your bag and perform advanced gymnastics to fit both you and your carry on in there?

Flying in America is quite funny. Don’t you guys know that you can actually check your bag at the airport before entering the plane? There is a counter right out at the front of the airport, you know, where you check it. You should try it. It’s pretty awesome. The time you save by not checking your bag is instantly consumed by the fact that it takes three times longer for everyone to exit the plane. You should learn from the Turks. They are out of their seats, with bags in hand, ready to exit six seconds after the plane hits the ground. Maybe they don’t like flying, or maybe they are just impatient. Regardless, it’s quite funny to watch.

Another thing that amuses me with US airlines is that they actually charge you extra to be seated in an exit row. I know that it’s extra legroom, so more comfort, but last time I checked, if seated in an exit row, you are obliged to assist the flight crew in case of emergency, so I would potentially be saving someone’s life. They should pay me! WTF?

Over the years, I’ve also noticed that many planes do not have row 13. Why is that? Is this because it gives you bad luck, or does the aviation industry not know how to count? I think it’s the first alternative, and it makes me wonder if this is really an industry that should allow hoodoo voodoo and other superstitious stuff. Isn’t it better that we trust modern technology to take us where we need to go?

Our industry decided on something pretty amazing years ago, when we agreed on a standard for signal distribution for lighting called DMX. Would it be too much to ask to have the aviation industry agree on standards for airport security? Shoes off? Laptop out? Camera? What! You want to see my camera? Why?

I have a wallet chain. Airport security in Norway hates that thing, yet no one comments on it anywhere else in the world! Makes me giggle.

These are the things I ponder when I’m bored while traveling. What are you doing?

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Ola Melzig has 25 years’ experience working in the entertainment concert industry, working his way up from stagehand through all facets of production. Today his resume includes technical director on large-scale events worldwide, including the Eurovision Song Contest, the Commonwealth Games opening and closing ceremonies in New Delhi, India, Espectáculo Conmemorativo, the Cinco de Mayo 150th anniversary show in Puebla, Mexico, and the 2014 IIFA Awards. He is currently working as senior technical manager for the closing ceremony for the 2015 European Games in Baku, Azerbaijan.